So after a long hiatus from blogging, I've returned! Thanks to the encouragement of some supportive friends and the advent of leisure time in the Salt Lake Airport, I'm typing away and enjoying the feeling of spilling out my thoughts without restraint. No one to look sleepy or bored that I'm talking too much. Oh no. Here I am about to dominate the conversation with all my mostly unimportant thoughts and loves.
I've been in Utah visiting family, I still am, really. Today I had boogers, blood and tears smeared across my front in big stains when my nephew fell off the swing and I got to be the rescuer. Its wonderful to get to play that role, so simple. As I was holding him I remember the talk I had with a friend and mentor a few days before.
I asked her if she could have done anything differently in her life, what she would change. "I would have spent more time with my kids." I was surprised, I thought she was wonderful mother, and though now has a demanding career, still has a strong relationship with her kids. My time here has made me think, maybe, its not so much about not having enough, but simply being able to enjoy and maximize those experiences because of their fleeting nature.
There are so many things in life that are fleeting. Though my family is a constant in my life, our dynamics are constantly changing, I love it, but miss sometimes, the experiences of the past that made us close. It seems like families require consistent new experiences to keep us close. That's why I'm in Utah.
I needed to rescue my nephew. I needed to hold my brand new baby niece Perri and spend and hour doing nothing but making her smile with my mom. I have loved the feel of my new little foster niece's silky hair when I braid it in the morning and the way she grins up at me through her glasses, as she scrambles to maneuver herself on my lap or as close to me as possible. There is security for me in the dating advice of my older sisters and all their expert opinions whether or not I listen to them its a vote of confidence that I'm not completely crazy . . . or at least they help me recognize my craziness and laugh at it.
So many times I dream of the ideal, but I'll be honest, ideal is not my life. I don't think I'd know what to do if it was. But I love it and all the people in it that make me realize how vulnerable and am in all the fleetingness of experiences . . . and just how much I need them.
