I know, it dangerous putting a title like that at the top, but aren’t I entitled to some ranting – I mean how many people read this thing anyways – so I’m going to take so liberties. :) Always a dangerous decision.
This is what I realized. In writing my glowing year in review letter, I suddenly felt like I had to defend myself for being single – tell people how many dates I’d been on, my “serious” boyfriend stint and that men are just falling at my feet. (yes, that was an exaggeration they aren’t exactly falling). Confession – I avoid going to mission reunions because I’m single and I feel like whether or not I’m dating someone will be the first question I get asked (not what am I studying or where have I traveled).
But I can’t help but wonder, where is all this pressure (mostly self-imposed) coming from and why should I feel like my identity must be shaped by a man in my life!
Is it the fact that my Dad is commiserating on the old age of his youngest daughter and her ever- present singleness . . . or is it the way he asks me if I’ve figured out how to get married yet. No, I haven’t figured out the solution, though – my skin is getting thicker as my sense of humor expands.
Maybe it’s the reality of being 28 and realizing in my 16-year-old life plan I should have been married six years ago. But I don’t regret turning down silly and serious proposals – why settle right? And I can’t help but think that I like who I am now, and I’m not sure I would be the same person if I was married at 22. So why the paranoia?
My peers complain about pressure of LDS culture to get married – and though I agree marriage and family is the focus, somehow I don’t feel pressured in my little single’s branch where most people are just happy for me to show up!
Ok, so its true, though, that as Young Single Adult Rep I live in a constant atmosphere of dating scrutiny in our stake. Everyone notices when you talk to someone for longer than five minutes, but I’ve learned my star-gazing lessons and I’m very careful . . .
Maybe it’s the well-intended advice of married friends on my dating life that brings frustration as they give comfort to the single girl. (In reality sometimes I wonder if each of is secretly a little envious of the other and the freedoms that go with our separate lives). Not even that I really mind that.
No in the end, I think what I feel frustrated with is somehow or another I feel like I’ve come up lacking because I’m single. Maybe people communicate that inadvertently in their eagerness to pass on what they see is the next step for me. Just one more thing I need to fix and then I can move on, be grown up, be really living life . . . But it’s a little scary to admit that being single, or other people’s commentary on my singleness bothers me - because it could bring advice, pity, validation . . . judgment, and I don’t really think I want any of those –
My life is good. So why in the world do I feel like I have to prove it?
