Letting Go

Letting go is something people say we should learn how to do. And for a lot of my life I think I've considered myself all to good at letting go. I've lived in 10 different cities in the past 10 years, 8 different states, and 3 different countries, some for a short time and some for a long time. Somehow in the middle of all that moving I've learned to really live for the moment, to take advantage of the present that I'm in, but when I move, to move on. My life has felt full of wonderful people and places and I have great memories. Still, I love looking to the future and the excitement of change.
Learning the transitions of letting go isn't easy, my mom described the way she moved on from her release from a calling . . . a transition of allow someone to take over, and not worrying, letting all the responsibility shift from her shoulders to another. Its not always easy when you've spent so much of your life and time invested in something and then the next day its not your job any more. I think the sensation is a lot like moving to a new place, a sense of sadness for what you're leaving behind in some ways, while excited about the prospect of more time or more people. Mom said for the first two weeks she spent a lot of time helping and training the new primary president but now . . . "When we pass in the hall I just hug her." What a nice way to move on in your life - support and hug. If only all transitions were that easy.
I'd like to think that somehow I've found the balance of moving on in a healthy way. New friends and old friends and great memories all blended up in my life. I work on letting go of stress, and pain and things people have done to offend me . . . and talk about the blessings of the atonement in healing. But sometimes I realize, like tonight that my ability to "let go" isn't strong as I would like.
Tonight I did something stupid . . . really bugged someone and made them mad, and now I'm regretting it. And despite my apology I'm having a hard time letting go. It seems ironic in a way, sometimes I can let go of the good things in my life so quickly - but my mind replays all the dumb things I've done in my life over and over again. That somehow this self-inflicted pain is going to help. I wish there was a way to stop the rewind, or even better just rewrite. But I can't.
I do what I can to remedy. Apologize, feel guilty and then get ready to let go . . . but here I am a few hours later still bothered and blogging. But then, I think about all of the times I have let go in the past, of relationships of hopes or of stress and I remember the healing process takes time and faith. And I feel just a bit hypocritical of all the times that I tell other people to be gentle on themselves and realize how hard that is. Maybe that's the function of this blog . . . a bit of self advice on letting go and somehow in the process I feel just a little bit better, taking my own advice.