There's just two things that money can't buy . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etuszlplwpg&feature=related

Tonight I ate a huge juicy red tomato, I bought at an Amish market today. Juice and seeds squirted out and dripped down my arm and I remembered how I used to spend the summer eating garden tomatoes and reading Little Women. Life was good, and it still is.
After an icky restless night last night because of a day of things not turning out quite how I had hoped , and feeling a little disillusioned things in general, I woke up to summer and Amish markets, farmers tans and home grown tomatoes. And something about all of it, made me realized how lucky I am. "There's just two things that money can't buy and that's true love and home grown tomatoes." Eating my home grown tomato, I thought of all the people I love and that love me . . . and I figure life is pretty good.

Just say no

Tonight I had a conversation with a close friend about settling. Settling in relationships, in goals, in things we want most. Sometimes in the process of trying to get what you want its tempting for me to settle, reconciling something close to what I want instead of that waiting that can sometimes feel like never getting what I want.
Sometimes I'm even afraid to admit that what I want - wonder if its unachievable, or someone tells me I'm just too picky. I feel a little crazy waiting and waiting for the ship to come in.
Despite that fact, I don't think I'm crazy and so I'm digging in my heels and when someone asks me to settle . . . well they had better be prepared for an emphatic NO!
Somehow, not getting that dream now, is better than realizing that I gave up trying.

My Coffee Table on the Couch

Being out of school feels a little bit like being unemployed to me. I have so many things I should be doing and just don't feel like it. Without a schedule or structure, I forget about the discipline that gets me out of bed early and keeps me following my to-do list. Its not that I don't have things to do, somehow it just seems easier to put them off. Today I read a whole book in between cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming the living room. I left the coffee table perched on the couch, where I'd moved it on the way to vacuum, and sprawled out on the floor.

I had intentions to spend a couple of hours writing and researching this afternoon, but somehow I had lost all motivation. Instead I read a book about a woman who discovers herself and a new life in the middle of making bread . . . sounds wonderfully simple. I think its the obligations of research and logic that make me want to go back to the simple things like scrubbing out the sink and kneading bread. Somehow I keep flipflopping between those two worlds of academic and, well, I'm not quite sure what the other is.

I don't necessarily believe they need to be isolated, but unintentionally I have segregated my life into "productive" and "unproductive" times, giving myself permission to shirk academia, even leave the coffee table on the couch in an acknowledgment that things and obligations can be displaced temporarily making space for indulgence. At the same time, knowing full well my functional life requires to-do lists, schedules and coffee tables in their proper place on the floor.

Priscilla

At first glance you might not think Priscilla is miracle, but she was for me. Priscilla, 86, lives in a house just outside of State College. She's a writer, the sisters told me as we knocked on the door of a house taken over by nondescript vines. We went to visit her, because our last appointment fell through. Priscilla is writing her life story, and as she let us in, and we weaved through boxes of books, papers and other stacks she explained that she'd been sorting . . . for ten years really. After chatting for a few minutes, she wanted to read us something that she'd been working on, her life story. And then despite all the clutter she pulled out neatly handwritten and rewritten pages that had been tucked away on a pile next to her. She read us her preface and excerpt about her mother. It was good, really good. I wanted her to keep reading.

It was then I had the thought that I could help her - offer to type up her life story, and selfishly I could keep reading. I had the feeling there was something I could learn from her. And there is.
Exchanging phone numbers, she looked down at my name LUND. "I knew a Lund once," she said, I smiled, most people have, but usually I don't know them, "Grant Lund." That's my father!

I was thrilled, so was she. She had taken an art class from my Dad and remembered one day how he stood up for her "mediocre art" told her not to sell herself short. She knew my mom as a young mother and primary president, and was my oldest brother's primary teacher and told me stories about him being Superman. She knew my family in ways that I didn't - and because she did, she could also help me see them in a way I've never seen them before. A gift, a miracle for me. Priscilla.

Young Single Adults

So this weekend was full of adventures, from taking the scenic route to and from Palmyra thanks to a mixed up GPS called Velma, late night singing around the camp fire, lectures on marriage and single life to make us all squirm and incredible experiences in Palmyra. Its a singles conference: fun, awkward and spiritual experiences on very little sleep.

I'm my stake's YSA rep, and I couldn't help this weekend, as I looked at our very small turnout, to wonder why we have them. From four stakes in the area 25 people came. What are we doing, or not doing? What is it that people like me really need?

According to the lds singles blogging experts our activities are to have social and spiritual experiences . . . with a hopeful side effect of marriage. Now sometimes the marriage message is more blatant than others. D&C 131 seems to be the favorite scripture for these events, and yet somehow I keep coming out single :)

Despite my well developed sense of humor, and perhaps slightly calloused attitude towards the whole thing, I can't help but feel concerned for what seems to me to be the greater need. People my age who just stop believing and belonging. I'm not sure I'm convinced that we all need campfires or marriage lectures, but we all need to believe and belong. In my stake, there 300 YSA and yet barely 50 attend church or an activity regularly. What can I do for my other 250? How can I help them believe and belong.

Its a challenge I haven't figure out yet, sometimes it seems I can't even do that for the people who are closest to me. Despite that, I haven't given up.

Morning Reflections

I'm off to Palmyra, NY this weekend and have been thinking about how much I'm looking forward to it. But since I won't be around the internet I wanted to share something from a talk I read this morning for today's post.

"You are one of the noblest of God’s creations. His intent is that your life be gloriously beautiful regardless of your circumstances. As you are grateful and obedient, you can become all that God intends you to be."

"Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself."

"Your joy in life depends upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His holy Son, your conviction that their plan of happiness truly can bring you joy. Pondering their doctrine will let you enjoy the beauties of this earth and enrich your relationships with others. It will lead you to the comforting, strengthening experiences that flow from prayer to Father in Heaven and the answers He gives in return."

"Your agency, the right to make choices, is not given so that you can get what you want. This divine gift is provided so that you will choose what your Father in Heaven wants for you. That way He can lead you to become all that He intends you to be. That path leads to glorious joy and happiness."

"Find the compensatory blessings in your life when, in the wisdom of the Lord, He deprives you of something you very much want. You will discover compensatory blessings when you willingly accept the will of the Lord and exercise faith in Him."

Richard G. Scott, “Finding Joy in Life,” Ensign, May 1996, 24

Just Good Things

So I had a friend write me an email the other day, one that I hadn't heard from in a long time, and I asked her to tell me all about her life. She said, "Do you want to know everything, or just the good things" . . . It made me stop and think.

First I wondered, what makes a person ask a question like that? Why not talk about the bad things, and especially why would a person need permission for it? And then, I thought about the millions of times that people have asked me "Are you always happy? - You never seem to get mad." More often than not, they're people who haven't seen me on a bad day but . . . I can't help but wonder sometimes if my lack of communicating bad things makes others think they don't exist.

I thought about writing all about the sad or bad things on my blog tonight just to prove I do have bad days and sad things - but I couldn't, because today wasn't a bad one, and I'm not really sure it would solve anything.

Really, more often than not I do choose not to focus on the bad things - not that I don't have a good venting session or cry - those definitely have a regular occurrence, but after than its seems easier to refocus, or find something that makes me happy, it takes too much energy to be sad all the time. But I'm never quite sure whether its an act of denial or faith.

Chocolate Milk

Have you ever listened to the This I Believe series on NPR. If you haven't, basically they're broadcasts of short essays about values or concepts that people believe in. I love them. I always think that when I teach again I'll have my students write a This I Believe essay. Sometimes while I'm listening I write them in my head, I've written on everything from family to making a to-do list.
Tonight I watched a chic flick with my roommate and dreamed of handsome men that have the perfect characteristics of charm and wit. As an alternative, I made myself a glass of chocolate milk. Chocolate milk is perfect after a chic flick when you're single. Its almost as satisfying as the real thing. :) And mentally, I began creating an essay about chocolate milk. I had a friend whose mother used it as her fix every day . . . a little bit of chocolate syrup can go a long way.
Tonight I'm drinking a glass while I blog and was thinking about how great it is. Its like getting a treat without a lot of the complications. Milk is good for you!
Perhaps my essay would have some deeper symbolism about simple pleasures, or that fact that its ok to treat yourself or . . . I don't know, I feel like its a common message in my blog, finding satisfaction in life, but maybe that is the theme of my life. But its true. More often than not, life for me, is valuing each glass of chocolate milk. After all . . . it does a body good!

Rain

I'm all out of inspiration to write anything on my blog . . . I skipped a day yesterday hoping to get creative, but instead I found myself waiting until the very last minute tonight hoping for some sort or inspiration. Instead, I'm typing about my lack of it.
Perhaps in some ways its a blessing to have such an ordinary life. Its raining outside now - and I love the sound - soothing. I have a bunch of beads spread across my bed, I've celebrating my new found free time making jewelry and writing to do lists so that I can actually be busy tomorrow. Its a great life. In the meantime its amazing how things really do take care of themselves . . .

Mother Hearts

Today in church, one woman talked about all of the women who have influenced her . . . and their mother hearts. I loved that idea, and so I thought today I wanted to put up pictures of just of a few women with mother hearts that have influenced me. My mother first and then so many others . . . Thank you for teaching me how to have a mother heart!

"Every girl and woman who makes and keeps sacred covenants can have a mother heart. There is no limit to what a woman with a mother heart can accomplish. Righteous women have changed the course of history and will continue to do so, and their influence will spread and grow exponentially throughout the eternities." Julie B. Beck

Cowboy Boots and Simple Talents

So I've had several guy friends tell me that the "problem" with lds girls is that they often lack passion about something, instead just being moderately good at a few things and biding their time . . . Well I don't know much about biding my time, and though I am passionate I think these boys were hoping for a super star of something. :)

Now I'm no super star, but a simple pleasure today made me think about talents and passion. I've decided I'm passionate about being happy. That means when my roommate gives me her old pair of cowboy boots I put them on and dance . . . and when my friend comes over you know I have to show them off again. And let me tell you I can pack a lot of passion into enjoying those boots.

Sometimes I think its easy to overlook the small gifts in comparison to "major" talent. I know people with major talents - fast runners, great piano players, incredible teachers, nuclear physicists, life changers etc. etc. You name it - they have it. And say - have at 'em boys. I like a talented woman who's passionate about what she does.

At the same time though, despite all of this major talent I can't help but feel quietly satisfied with an ability to get so much joy out of a pair of hand-be-down cowboy boots. Its gets me through at times when major talents don't apply.

Vignettes

So I have been slacking on my blog writing this past week: my new debate is whether to try to make up for it by writing a novel today, or just forget about it and keep writing.

I've concluded . . . because that what I do best, is that I'll try to hit the highlights of this past week or so of frantically writing papers, letting my room pile up into a disaster area, a long drive to D.C. running all over town, late night talks with friends and new realizations about myself and my inadequacies. Its been productive . . . somehow it just hasn't translated into a blog.

I have a million little snippets of life that I want to write about that I value.

Sometimes I feel so lucky to be me, I spent some time with a friend that has a rare quality of listening, asking questions and responding to whatever I say without making me feel judged silly or stupid. And we had a ridiculous amount of fun together. Its amazing how one person like that in your life can really make life satisfying. I wish everyone had a friend like that. Or multiple friends. Why limit yourself right?

Walking through D.C., for some reason I started to cough, now that's a normal thing to do, but as I was coughing in the middle of jaywalking, this crossing guard flagged me down. I had this sinking sensation that I was about to be lectured and I felt a little like a kid about to be lectured by a teacher. Instead he gave me a cough drop. :) I keep it in my purse and look at it because it makes me happy.

Did you know that there is man out there that puts whipped topping in mashed potatoes and spaghetti, oh yes . . . I happened to have met him though I never tasted his spaghetti, but he thinks its like whipping cream - what the difference right? Laughing at the idea of eating spaghetti with whipped topping kept me awake for quite a while on Sunday night. My friend who did eat wisely promised she only mocked him slightly.

If you ever go out to Mt. Vernon, there's a little restaurant by the lds chapel. They have a great salad there called Summer on Plate. And it is. And the day I went it was a perfect summer day. Who knew life could be that good. We ended up walking along the trail by the Potomac, sticking our feet in the water and talking about life. Its been a long time since I felt so relaxed. My friend, told me that he always wished he carried plastic bags in his pocket to pick up all the trash, but we found a bag on the side and started picking up trash anyways. I had to laugh inside to think what the bikers thought. We must have seemed like an odd pair. I was in a dress to go to the temple and he with his big bag of trash just ambling along this bike trail.

I listened to a Holocaust survivor talk about his experiences in a concentration camp during WWII and though many of his experiences were moving, it was what happened after the war that struck me most. He said he was released from the camp, and so happy to be free, but then he realized, he had no one. He had lost all ties with his family, was almost sure they were dead and somehow had to get back to Poland from Germany. On a day when he should have been happy for freedom, he said it was the loneliest day of his life. I couldn't help but think of that. Times of freedom, sometimes getting out of a bad situation, but realizing you are still alone can be incredibly lonely. It made me want to make people transitions in life easier. Happily, after it was all over he pointed to wife, his kids, had them stand up and he was pleased they were there. You could see all over his face, he wasn't lonely anymore.

Life compensates for what we might not have and really want.

Its worth it

Tonight I went to a dinner appointment with the sister missionaries and a relatively new convert in our branch. He's making decisions about going on a mission, and the couple we ate dinner with were both first generation members of the church. They understood what its like not to have family support. I'm pretty sure the sisters planned that one on purpose - why they invited me I wasn't quite sure, but I'm glad I went.

I don't know quite how to explain what it is to watch a person change because of the gospel, but sitting there tonight, talking to this couple, talking to my friend who just joined the church in October, thats when I know its worth it. Not just for them - even though tonight that couple talked about all the blessing they had, and my friend shared his experience with change. But its worth it for me, though my change may not be as dramatic.

Its worth it to get up a little earlier, to wear my shorts a little longer, to spend three hours of my Sunday in church and more hours during the week. Its worth it to wait to until marriage . . . to not attend every social event, even to be thought of as naive.

Its true. I saw it in their eyes and know it in my heart. Its worth it.